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05/31/2003 Archived Entry: "The Onion never fails to please."
The Onion never fails to please.
Ever since I read the eerily prophetic 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over', I've been a fan of The Onion. Only problem is, their stuff is getting more difficult from actual legislation nowadays. Here's an example - satire or new law? You decide.
With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.
"This piece of legislation is essential, both for more efficient implementation of the New American Ideal and to give law enforcement the broad discretionary powers necessary to enforce certain vital civil and behavioral mandates," said U.S. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), addressing an empty press room Sunday, midway through game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals. "We are confident that Americans will embrace this law, should they eventually realize it has been passed."H.R. 2395 was introduced to Congress on May 15 during the fourth quarter of the San Antonio Spurs' 110-82 victory over the defending-champion Los Angeles Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference semifinals.
Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.
"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those dicks have had it coming for a long time."
