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08/20/2003 Archived Entry: "Procter: 'Shut Up, Everything's Great!'"
SHUT UP! EVERYTHINGıS GREAT!
By R. Lee Procter, Executive Director of Public Optimism
United States Department of Defensiveness
Hey, possible voters! Here's YOUR White House update on YOUR Liberation of Iraq! Jinkies, things are just sweller than swell about as good as they can be superb, wondrous, and DY-NO-MITE!!!
Just HOW super-groovy are things going? Let's count the ways together, shall we?
1) THE WAR PART IS OVER (PRACTICALLY)! Wow! We know this, because our own Fearless Top Gun Cowboy of the Skies President Bush SAID it was over, over a hundred days ago! Y'all remember that 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!' banner, doncha? By the way, this great moment is now available as Commemorative Dinner Plate illustrated by Thomas Kinkade, 'Painter of Light')
That means the 56 American soldiers killed in attacks since DONıT REALLY COUNT! They died after the battle ended! They're like, uh, traffic accident victims or something. Whew! Now weıre just involved in a 'mopping up' operation that involves the occasional ambush, sniper attack and rocket grenade assault!
2) NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Talk about great news! It turns out that our brilliant President and his hard-working minions may have just (WHOOPS!) conjured the threat of weapons of mass destruction as an enlightened pretext to liberate the freedom-loving Iraqi people! Why? Our beloved Commander-in-Chief knows that the essentially good, decent and fair but easily distracted and child-like American public can't always be trusted to follow where he wants to lead them...so a little 'creativity' is needed!
If you insist on calling this 'lying,' Mr. Negativity-Eeyore-Naysayer, ask yourself this question - was the Average Freedom-Loving Iraqi better off under Saddam Hussein, just because he had a job, air conditioning, gasoline, water, and electric power? Nooooooooooo Siree Bobcat! Now this dehydrated, jobless, starving, enraged Iraqi citizen is FREE! And that's a good feeling!
3) BOY, WE SURE SHOWED THOSE WIMPS AT THE UNITED NATIONS!!! Hoo-Yaaa! If you're like me, you've had it up to your eyeballs with the wimpy, hand-wringing, appeasement-first, fraidy-cat wet blankets at the United Nations. If weıd left it up to Hans Blix and his bunch of faint-hearted, pointy-headed pencil pushers, we'd NEVER gotten our war on! WE went in when WE wanted when WE decided WE had enough evidence (or whatever it was) to start a damn war!
That's said, we're WIDE OPEN to this enlightened body sending in some of their courageous Peacekeepers, and picking up as much of the four billion a month as they want! C'mon, you faint-hearted Frogs! Hop right in!
4) THE BLACK MARKET IS TEACHING IRAQIS THE MIRACLE OF FREE-MARKET CAPITALISM! Once, the Iraqi people were shackled by the Fascistic-Socialistic Paternalism of Saddam 'Hitler' Hussein. Today, they are FREE to experience the miracle of the free marketplace! Gasoline - was 10 cents a gallon, now 5 dollars! Drinking Water - was 'free,' now a dollar a gallon! Museum artifact was 'priceless,' now 10 dollars! Rocket Grenade Launcher - was 'unavailable,' now $75! Women were forbidden from becoming prostitutes, now (CURENT MARKET PRICE FLUCTUATES)
SOMEBODYıS getting RICH RICH RICH! The mighty, slumbering giant of Free Enterprise has been roused within the Iraqi National Breast!
5) THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER GETS THE HONOR OF FINANCING ALL THIS FREEDOM! Yes, Iım talkinı about YOU, Mister and Missus Joseph Q. Six-Pack! Instead of wasting your tax dollars on foolish, socialized 'medical care' and self-indulgent, incentive-destroying 'education' for our young people, YOU get to pay FOUR BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH to help make Iraq a safe place for satellite television, Halliburton, KFC, NASCAR, Starbucks, and who-knows-what exportable wonders of the American Dream!
All of us here at the DPO in the DOD want to THANK YOU for trusting us to make YOUR WORLD a hypothetically safer place! Maybe Saddam didn't have any WMD but what if he had? Maybe he wasn't training al-qaeda members - but what if he were? So we made some mistakes - that's why they put erasers on pencils!
Thanks again and look for our NEXT EXCITING NEW PRODUCT ROLL OUT in September! (Here's a hint 'On To Tehran!')
DISCLAIMER: If you object to all or any part of this message, please contact Mr. John Ashcroft at YOUR Department of Justice, for the purpose of arrest and incarceration.
Replies: 4 people speak up
Someone needs to throw this into the FReeper and Coulter dogpens and watch the action.
My mighty Koresh! THAT'S good humor.
Tony B.
Posted by Monkeyfister @ 08/20/2003 08:59 PM NY
Well done! I'm feeling more chipper already!
Posted by Tom Dissento @ 08/20/2003 09:48 PM NY
And here I was whining and belly-aching and feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't find gainful employment for the last 19 months.
God bless you, President Bush. God bless every one of us. Now I'm feeling sooo much better. Now I too am a happy, litle, lemming. Can someone direct me to the nearest cliff?
Posted by Metropolitan99 @ 08/20/2003 10:14 PM NY
I know how you must feel. My friends get all droopy eyed and critical like when I don't agree that we have the god given right to kill whoever and wherever we want to, and we don't have to answer to any plotted communist scheme like an international court, because, you guessed it, the first thing those reds are gonna wanna do is put Americans on trial for absolutely nothing, after all, I thought everyone knew that nearly 20,000 Iraqi dead, and a few hundred American dead was nothing. For some unexplained reason I actually reacted to those numbers negatively, as if I really gave a damn. I mean it was just some grunts and foreigners, right. Inconsequential, not relevant, or even "a great sacrifice;" on whose part I might ask, but I don't care, we sure showed them didn't we. We can and will kill for profit damnit, and no one had better say a damn thing about it, because it was really all about Iraqi Freedom. I guess those 20,000 some thousand dead are free, you know like those people who freed themselves by poisoning themselves so they could join their brothers and sisters in the sky. Shedding themselves of the vehicle, I believe they called it. They sure looked dead though. It is hard for me to imagine them in the sky somewhere looking down on me saying, "You can be free too, like the American soldiers, like those bastard Iraqis, and like the Native Americans of North America. They all needed to be free, and who should come along but a compassionate conservative who speaks to g_d, and g_d said that all this killing was a good thing because they are now living with it, or at least that is what the Big Kahuna on K Street says, and I believe him, don't you? Yeah, every word of it.
Posted by gc_wall @ 08/22/2003 05:44 PM NY
