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10/23/2003 Archived Entry: "Just because it's funny, makes it no less true."
Just because it's funny, makes it no less true.
This was emailed to me - it showed up on the alt.impeach.bush Usenet group:
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot and killed by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republicans in these parts, and the same goes for you. "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature perfect 72 degrees.
In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain,faces and hands black with grime. The Devil come over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and drank and ate caviar... I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Thanks to Gary Simon for forwarding it to me.
Replies: 6 people speak up
It's these kinds of heretical "jokes" that make Baby Jesus cry.
Posted by metropolitan99 @ 10/23/2003 12:04 PM NY
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Quada, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press onference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.
Posted by Hoffmania! @ 10/23/2003 12:40 PM NY
4 gallons should do the job just fine. the main fault in the first joke is that if there were an afterlife, i dont think they would even give bush the opportunity to decide, if anyone deserves to go to hell, their last name is bush
Posted by justin @ 10/23/2003 01:24 PM NY
No, no, no, Justin... you're not getting that part of the joke.
He chose hell. Himself. so he only has himself to blame. If God did the choosing for him, he would have someone to blame.
Not that he would ever consider personal responsibility, of course. He is a Republican, after all...
Posted by (: Tom :) @ 10/24/2003 10:41 AM NY
no, i did get that part of the joke, im just saying that no just god could even allow the possibility of anyone named bush getting into heaven. although i suppose if we allow for an omniscient god, then he would know that bush would choose hell. you can have whatever kind of god you want i suppose, since its all human imagination anyway. i prefer pantheistic solopsism myself, all religions are equally true, since they are brought into existance by your simple beliefe in them. but then again im agnostic
Posted by justin @ 10/24/2003 11:53 AM NY
Well, the joke put a smile on my face.
Posted by Buck-Fush @ 10/24/2003 04:02 PM NY
