Go Back to the B3 Home Page
Complaints, compliments, arguments? Email me.
[<< "Mark Morford = Genius"] [Archive Index] [>>"Breslin provides background"]
02/18/2004 Archived Entry: "Sorenson plays 'What if...'"
Sorenson plays 'What if...'
The other brilliant SF Chron columnist, Harley Sorenson, imagines the impossible - what if Bush had tried the truth?
"My fellow Americans, the world has a problem. Saddam Hussein runs the nation of Iraq with an iron fist, killing anyone who even mildly disagrees with him. He has killed tens of thousands of Iraqis and shows no sign of letting up."In his prolonged war with Iran, he used chemical weapons against both the Iranians and the Kurds living in his own country. As you know, chemical weapons are outlawed by international agreement. Had he used mere bombs and napalm and land mines and rockets and artillery shells and flame throwers, we would have no problem with him. But poison gas? Give me a break!
"As you know, we fought Saddam before, a dozen years ago. We drove his troops out of Kuwait and slaughtered a goodly number of them on the road to Basra. We can handle these people. They're no match for our size, our technology and our advanced equipment.
"As you also know, Saddam concocted a plot to assassinate my father when he traveled to the Middle East as president. It didn't work, thank God, but don't think for a minute that I'm forgetting it.
"Anyway, I think it's time to take out Saddam and see if we can install a democratic government in Iraq. Right now there's only one democratic nation in that part of the world, Israel, and for some odd reason other nations are not adopting Israel's form of government. But maybe when we force Iraq into becoming a democracy, other Arab and Persian nations will follow suit.
"Okay, now here's the catch. Nobody gets nothin' for nothin', as they say, and there will be a cost to our humanitarian mission in Iraq. I'm figuring about $200 billion up front. That works out to about $1,500 per taxpayer, which is mere chump change for most of you, I'm sure.
"And -- full disclosure here -- we'll have to borrow the money, because our treasury is empty. Yeah, we've had a string of bad luck in the last couple years, and the big surplus Bill Clinton left us is gone now and we're hopelessly mired in debt. But not to worry. We can borrow the money and pay later. Because of interest, that might double your cost, so, just to be on the safe side, figure your individual tab for ridding the world of Saddam to be about $3,000.
"Chump change."
Sheah, that woulda worked.
Replies: 2 people speak up
So, let me get this straight, Monkey Boy, you want me (and every other American) to cough up $3000 to put a 'hit' contract out on Saddam Hussein? Hell, I've heard you can get someone whacked in So. California for a half-rack of cheap beer, so why the exorbitant cost? I think I'll pass...
Posted by lonestar @ 02/18/2004 11:01 AM NY
yeah, but lucky for him he didnt ask us for permission. after all, 15 million people are just a focus group
Posted by justin @ 02/18/2004 11:51 AM NY
